dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
