im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
