I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
