New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
