i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
