We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
