I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
