apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
