If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
