HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
