I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
