I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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