You're my little dorito
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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