Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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