i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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