I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
