EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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