u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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