It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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