Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
