This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
