I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
