the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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