i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
