I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
