she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
