You really coming over, don't trick.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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