Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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