I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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