Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
