Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
