I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
