Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
