I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
