Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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