Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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