I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
