you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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