Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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