If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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