Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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