is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
