just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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