How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
