My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
