I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
this is an emotional support booty call
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
