I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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