I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
