im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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