I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
